more fondly

I know i promised id write here everyday, but god damn. i wrote on my personal diary that i would use that as a more personal take and this would be more general, so lets philosophize. Fuuuuck, my mind is blank, i know i'll feel better after having finished, talk about writers block, i finally get it now. I feel like im avoiding something, like im writing in here to avoid doing what im supposed to, i know its not school, i gave up on that long ago. but  im not getting any younger, and i finally have to carry the burden of freedom , freedom an of choice and the results of those choices. oh why did we have  to be free, i guess maybe thats why we invented god, the universal invigilator, the master ,lord... we are subjects to an omniscient being who knows the past and the future. We have no free will, what we do is not up to us but as how he'd designed it, i tell you, theres definitely comfort in that. imagine wasting your life away and not even know it because you've convinced yourself that its all part of the plan. god as robin williams continuously whispering in your ear " its not your fault", well it most definitely is  your fault. i know one day ill look back at this writing and cringe, but im glad i wrote it(or writing it), when im an old man( if i live that long) the only comfort beside family is in knowing that ive lived my life well, none of the things im doing now in essence will be of any particular comfort at the time of dying except for the fact that ill look upon them more fondly, i also hope i can get some money out of this, although i dont know how for now, im in desperate need of money right now